Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Feelin' Groovy

Here's some excerpts* from the self-help book I'm writing called Take It Slow: The Wisdom of Gaspereau Press, which I should have done by next year. Or the next. Or the one after that - don't rush me!
  • From the chapter on Raising Kids: "This is risotto, not mac & cheese! Tell them to sit outside and take in the wonder of the sky while they wait. And if you miss the birthday party, well, there's always one next year."
  • From the chapter on Finances: "Monthly rent payments are an abomination. They turn what should be a gift - a living space, a home - into a kind of regular shakedown. Landlords must learn patience. Instead of cheques, offer them roasted chestnuts, or fresh apples straight from the tree."
  • From the chapter on Friendship: "A true friend knows that, even if you have not called them or sent them an email in a long time, that you still speak them them every day in your heart. And they would know that expressions of condolence for a dead parent or partner are meaningless - death comes to us all in the end."
  • From the chapter on Sex: "One must never be trapped into an artificial quid pro quo framework when it comes to orgasms. The essential question is the quality of the orgasms, not their even distribution. Sexuality is not socialism."
  • From the chapter on Publishing: "A book is only ever perfect in the conception, in the idea. So if, say, you are unable to get finished books into the hands of readers, know that this will only preserve this perfection for them. The book will always be the book they want, and never the book they have. To have the anticipated object in their possession can only be a kind of disappointment. In this way, NOT publishing books is the best way to ensure their eternal perfection."



* I've already posted these on my Facebook page, but hey: why waste comedy gold on mere friends?

3 comments:

nathan said...

And if you tell me this joke is at least a week past its "best before" date, I'll say... uh, exactly!

Alex said...

I've got news for you: Those people on Facebook? They're not your friends.

Where's Professor Monkeyfuck? Now HE was funny.

nathan said...

What do you mean, they're not my friends? I know so many banal personal details about them all!

(Herr Professor Monkeyfucker is still trying his damndest to smear poop on the wall here, but can't get past the fence. I am tempted to let him in once in a while, just to give him hope.)